Warhammer

Story by William Gutierrez

Grimgore adjusted his codpiece and spat into the dirt. He could barely see the humans preparing for battle on the other side of the valley. They had taken offense to his razing of their city and had chased him and his army halfway across Bretonnia to take their vengeance. They thought they were brave, but so did the human general who had guarded their vile city. The scrawny man had made a big show of charging his white horse out onto the battlefield, swinging his giant banner above his head. After Grimgore’s Black Orc Clan had decimated the insulting general’s poorly trained army and looted and burned his precious city Grimgore had personally urinated on the general’s banner and then lopped off his offensive head…so much for human bravery.

According to the rulebook, Warhammer is a “tabletop game for two or more players where you command armies of mighty warriors, be they brutal Orcs, stubborn Dwarves, stalwart Men or mystical Elves.”

For the uninitiated, it appears to be more like a chaotic mess. Beautifully painted fantasy figurines are placed haphazardly over a giant table decorated like a medieval battlefield. Players swarm around the table rolling dice and measuring distance from one figurine to another, sometimes advancing a goblin here or retreating an elf there. When two or more of the figurines from opposing sides meet, yelling and bravado commence as players roll dice to decide the outcome of the brutal confrontation. The loser must remove his figure from the field of battle while the victor advances searching for something else to send to Warhammer heaven.

Although the Black Orc Clan had an obviously smaller force than the stinky humans, Grimgore and his troops were far from worried. Little did the humans know that before attacking their town the orcs had made a truce with the goblins who lived to the south of this valley. The goblins, who were even now massing for battle just out of the human army’s sight, had agreed to help Grimgore and his troops for only a quarter of the booty they had captured from the raid.

For the initiated, like Comics and Collectibles owner and five-year Warhammer veteran Gene Farley, the game is not so much chaotic as it is strategic.

“It’s maybe halfway between Risk and chess. It’s got the strategy of both, but it’s more versatile than either one. It’s also played on a larger scale so maybe take Risk, add chess, and then times 10,” he said.

According to Farley, it’s the versatility of the game that makes it exciting. In chess you know what each player is coming to the game with. Both you and your opponent will have eight pawns, two bishops and one queen. In Wahammer your opponent might come to the table with eight archers, two club-wielding ogres and one screaming Valkyrie with a really big sword.

“Half the strategy is before the game even starts with army construction,” said Farley.

Not everything about Warhammer is death and destruction. The miniature figures that make up each player’s army come unpainted, unmounted and sometimes in pieces. Accordingly, a whole chapter of the rulebook is devoted to painting and putting together a player’s miniatures.

Looking at the fine detail and small size of most of the figures leads me to believe that most Warhammer players have a steady hand and a great eye. Even the rule book cautions beginners that, “collecting and painting an army like the ones in this book can seem like a very daunting task.”

Farley, who paints all his own figures, laughs when asked about his first attempts at painting. “My first stuff looked really, really crappy,” he said. Using size 000 brushes and water-based paint, Farley can take up to an hour to paint one of the smaller, less detailed pieces. “It really depends on how much detail you want to go into. For your regular ground troops you don’t really go into a lot, but on your generals and special troops you can really spend some serious time,” said Farley.

Grimgore smiled and gave the signal to his drummers to begin their booming beat. Now every orc was up and massing into their chaotic war parties. The giant boars were grunting as their orc riders shouted their eagerness for the rush of battle. Some of Grimgore’s troops clashed their weapons while others stomped the ground with their clawed and calloused feet. Together they made an awful sound that echoed from the highest peaks of the valley. Grimgore had his standard bearer raise the giant Black Orc Clan banner and suddenly everything was silent. Then the orc horn blowers began their haunting call. The weak human army began their ordered march down into the valley while answering the orc horns with their girlish pipes. Suddenly another slightly weaker horn was calling from the human’s right flank. There was panic among their troops and Grimgore laughed as he watched a few of their columns break ranks and flee.

For those interested in playing Warhammer, artistic ability isn’t the only thing you’ll need. Money will help decide how big and often how powerful your army will be.

“It’s pretty expensive,” said Farley. “If you’re going to start playing the game you’re going to want to have at least $100.”

Farley estimated that he’s probably spent between $500 and $600 on Warhammer, but that’s just a drop in the bucket to some of the players he’s known.

“I’ve seen people spend thousands,” said Farley.

Like ants, the goblins came howling over the southern lip of the valley their weapons flashing like lighting. Within minutes they were smashing into the human army’s right flank causing chaos and pandemonium. Grimgore raised his powerful fist and brought it down in the human’s direction. As he hefted his great sword and joined his clan as it stormed down into the valley he grinned and thought how great it was to be an orc.

If you’re interested in building an army to crush your friends, you can find more information about Warhammer at www.games-workshop.com or go see Gene at Comics and Collectibles, 1904 Fruitridge, Sacramento, or call him at 392-2467.